Anger does one of two things, it will implode or it will explode. There is no other way to release anger except in an aggressive violent manner internally or externally. Some will argue this bold statement and say their anger is productive…… well I beg to differ. If your anger is productive the only explanation is that you have found a way to transform its shape. Which no longer makes it anger at all. Allow me to elaborate.
When we are mad, angry and feeling these intense feelings our body automatically reacts. This is a negative reaction that causes negative feelings, actions and tends to build. That is when the explosion usually occurs. We hear the term explosive temper or something similar very often. In fact we so easily brush off these terms. This nonchalant attitude has normalized anger. As though it is somehow okay to explode outwardly so long as nobody gets physically hurt. In children we call it a temper tantrum. To me that seems the more appropriate word. So when an adult has one (myself included) I label it an adult temper tantrum.
The more we normalize these behaviors the more we condone them and even blindly aid in the ever-growing anger and tension we have as an overall society. As a child and going into my early adulthood I had a bit of a temper. I recall the people around me brushing it off with comments like, “Oh that’s just Sharon, she has a short fuse sometimes”. The reality was the fuse was short because I was never forced to figure it out. I never had to or thought to inspect the root emotion, and to successfully channel that into a healthy response.
This is so important because we are raising the next generation. It is far easier to teach a child new tricks then to re-train adults. I am not saying adults can not learn new things, of course we can. I am saying if we work with our youth on this there will be no re-programming needed as adults. But the paradox is in order to teach it we must learn it and apply it ourselves.
Some important steps to take when dealing with your own anger is first understanding how you express it. Do you have a temper, do you yell, do you become destructive or do you keep it inside? Internal anger comes in just as ugly unhealthy forms as external anger. Examples are passive aggressive behaviors, the ulcers that form from anger induced stress, the sleepless nights because we go to bed angry, masking it with alcohol or drugs and the overall destruction of our bodies from the inside out.
Anger has this effect on us and if it were a cancer we would fight it right? So let’s fight the rage with the same amount of concentration and intensity because it also holds the capability to destroy us. First, identify it in your life, be bold in pointing out the areas that anger seems to creep in. Then by dissecting it. Anger is a masking emotion, not a primary emotion. So lets figure out what is hiding under the anger, when we lift this rock we find freedom. However, the process can make us feel vulnerable and sometimes even humiliated. This is why as adults we often avoid facing it altogether.
This is where good CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) comes in great use. Turning those negative cognition’s into positive constructive thoughts. The result of doing this is it creates new healthy patterns. It is hard, uncomfortable work to face our demons. We will not do this perfectly. You will slip up, I will slip up, and anger will seep through. Our first reaction is usually to self bash in those moments. Instead be gentle with yourself, these are lessons that remind us that we are human, we will make mistakes and we can learn from them. Be proud that although you slipped up, you are working on yourself in a positive manner.
If you or someone you know is having a hard time handling anger and need someone to walk beside you, I am here to do just that. As a counselor I pride myself in truly thirsting to help those who genuinely want to help themselves. There is no shame in admitting we have a problem and need some guidance and support. Visit me at mybeachtherapy.net for more information and to find out how you can schedule an appointment.
